What bipolar might look like to the kids

When a mom has bipolar disorder, the whole family has the ups and downs. When she's up, she does such cool things: You get to run around going to the park, sliding at McDonald's, signing up for gymnastics and ballet and music lessons and everything else equally fun. Life is exciting and thrilling.

Then she crashes. She is in bed, or on the couch, or just staying in the house, in her robe, while you get to watch tv. Lots of tv. Maybe you get to play a lot of video games (which is fun, too). You may get dragged to a lot of doctors, which is really boring. You eat a lot of fast food, or maybe you eat things you find in the refrigerator and cabinets, whatever you or your dad can find or make because Mom is too tired to cook.

Gradully, things improve. Mom gets out of bed and starts acting more like herself. She moves a little slower, she may seem distracted and not interested, which is really the medication. Sometimes she sleeps more and you get to watch tv or play video games, although not as much as you did before, because she doesn't sleep as much as she did before.

Then everything smooths out and mom finally comes out of the down time. It's not a high, but it's not the low. You go to the park, or to McDonald's, you may sign up for gymnastics or ballet or music, but not all at once. She's finally acting like the mom you had before she got sick, had her breakdown, whatever you call it.

There are still some ups and downs, but they aren't really noticiable to you. She may take a nap during the day, or stay home for a few days in a row. She may cook and clean and shop a lot for a few days, then go back to her regular self. Nothing that won't register until one day, as an adult, you can look back and see the variations.

So that is a generalization of what life looks like when you have a mom with bipolar disorder. Fortunately, because she's the only mom you have, it will all look normal to you, and you love her regardless, and by the time you realize that all moms don't behave this way, I hope it won't be important that she's different.

In Which Winnie-the-Pooh Discovers that Most Fears Don't Exist Outside Your Head

I have horrible anxiety. The kind that makes me stay home and worry that everything is going to come crashing down around me if I leave me house. The debilitating kind. Needless to say, it's not fun.

I go through cycles, so there are times I am fine and I can live like a relatively normal person. Then one day I wake up and I can't leave my house. It seems random, although it really isn't: There's almost always a trigger somewhere, it's just a matter of locating it. But it's hard to find and I am usually back on my feet and returning to my relatively normal life way before I have time to think about the trigger.

Today I thought of the title of this post, and  how our fears almost always live inside our heads. We are afraid to try something scary, we are afraid to make a move into the unknown, we are afraid to grab for what we want because it means letting go of the safe, boring, drab. While mine is an illness, it is a similar thing: I'm afraid of leaving the safety of the known for the unknown.

My unknowns, though, have brought my amazing husband, my fantastic friends, my wonderful volunteer work with my church, my life. Imagine staying home and having none of the things you have. Nothing is scarier than that, is it?

So let the fear motivate you, let them give you the energy to move beyond your comfort zone and into the scary area where the greater rewards are. Think about the worst that could happen, and remember that your couch will be there for you. Trust me, mine has never once let me down.

Oh, and I'll tell you my scary place: the gym. So that's my goal and that's where I'll be headed.

The First Post

This will be short since it's my first post and it's getting late. I just went looking for a blog I, as a mom with bipolar disorder, could relate to. Well, I couldn't find one. There are a few out there, but nothing that that felt "fit" me.

So here I am: I have a 20-year-old daughter is is about to get out of the Navy. I have an 8-year-old daughter and a daughter who was stillborn in 2005. You can imagine how that kicked me in the butt, even without the mental illness. I can write about that another time, because I think it will be good to have it out there for other moms who suffer a similar loss.

Anyway, I also have two boys, four and 18 months. My 18-month-old still isn't walking, so I'm arranging for him to see a physical therapist. My husband thinks I'm being paranoid, but every time I have a gut feeling and ignore it, it turns out bad. So this time, we'll be doing it, even if the therapist says everything is fine.

My husband works for the railroad, fortunately right now he works in town and is home every night. Most of our marriage (which has been 11 years) has required travel, so it's been really nice, even though the money isn't good. Thank you, bad economy. Both for real and sarcastically.

I hope someone reads this, I hope I can keep it up.