I just spent three days with the most amazing people at a NAMI training event. People who are diagnosed with bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, severe depressive disorder, PTSD, and other life-altering illnesses. And we all spent three days together, learning how to help others like ourselves.
The amazing part was how much most of them had accomplished with their lives, despite their illnesses. It was easy to forget I was working with a group like myself, because everyone seemed so "normal." And it made me realize something: I still hadn't fully accepted my illness. I still feel like I'm my illness first and myself second.
There is a part of me that is still ashamed of my illness. That feels like I am less of a person because I have bipolar disorder. That I can't handle being in the real world because I can't do as much as a "normal" person can. I want to hide it still, even from myself. I want to deny that I have it, and because of that I turn away from opportunities that may reveal my weaknesses.
I am afraid of being judged when I say I have bipolar. One women summed it up fantastically when she said, "When we have a physical illness, people are afraid for us. When we have a mental illness, people are afraid of us." I don't want people to be afraid of me. I don't want to see that look on a person's face after I say I have bipolar disorder, because it's a cross between fear and pity.
We as a group were able to laugh and share war stories without the fear of being judged or misunderstood. There was no risk of being rejected. Others understood when I talked about the crushing weight that just holds me down in bed and makes me unable to move. The shared fears that our kids will end up with a mental illness and we'll have to watch them go through what we have to live through. The crazy things we do when we're in a manic high that we'd never consider doing when we're in our normal minds. The alone feeling you have, even in a group of close friends, because you are somewhere they've never been and (hopefully) will never go.
But in those three days I opened up a little more, realizing that having bipolar doesn't define me. It still scares me to be out front about it, but I'm becoming more comfortable with it. Just writing this blog helps to peel off the layers of fear the envelope me and slowly reveal my confident self that's been hiding there all these years. I am Victoria first, I have bipolar after that. I am a mom, a wife, a Christian, a daughter, a sister, a volunteer, and a friend, and I have a diagnosed illness.
I am me.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Don't Judge Me
Should! That word gets me every time. I "should" myself constantly. Did you know it's a judgement word? I learned that recently. Now that I'm learning to replace that word in my vocabulary, I'm feeling the resentment and guilt it brings when I use it.
"I should have gone for a walk this morning." A judgement. "I wanted to go for a walk this morning." A fact. In the first sentence I failed at something. The second sentence is just a statement. I can still go for a walk at some point, and I'm not a failure.
Once I started being aware of it, it was amazing to my how often I used the word "should."
"I should go to the gym."
"I should take the kids to the park."
"I should start dinner."
"I should go to bed."
"I should have been able to complete my whole to-do list today"
Did I want to do these things? Could I even do them? Who knew? I was doing things because I "should," not because I wanted to, as far as I knew. Stopping to look at what I was doing and really thinking about it forced me to look at my life and my decisions to see what I wanted. Do I want to go to the gym? Do I want to take the kids to the park? Do I even like making dinner? Was I ready to go to bed? Was it possible to complete that to-do list?
For the first time in over thirty years (you thought I was going to give my age away, didn't you!!?), I had to stop and think about what I wanted. And you know what? I didn't know!
I'd spent so long worrying about what I should do that I had no idea what I wanted to do. Thankfully, I never felt like I "should" get married and have kids, that was a decision I consciously made, so I knew I wanted that. And I also have to work within the limitations of my disability: I have to accept that there are things I may want that I cannot have.
So here I am, learning what I want and, in the process, what I can and cannot have. I do want to cook dinner, at least most nights. I do want to go to the gym (I think), and if we get to the park, great. If not, the kids have tons of toys here they can play with. Our yard is a cool park in itself.
My friend Stephanie has a super-cool sounding job, the kind of job that I once had. And part of me really wants to go back and have that kind of job again. I'm a little jealous when I hear about her work, because it sounds rewarding. But realistically, I know that's a want I can't fulfill. I have small children still. And there's the grounded part of me that knows that the last time I held that type of job I couldn't manage it because of my illness. Those are the facts. But I know there are things I can handle that will give me a sense of accomplishment within my own boundaries. That is also a fact.
So I work hard on my "shoulds," even the "I shouldn't feel this way" should, which is a very popular one. They are second nature, they come up constantly, and I constantly have to reword my thoughts so I'm not being so hard on myself. And I'm learning about myself in the process, things I want or don't want. It's a really hard lesson, one I wish I could have learned when I was much younger and my brain was less hard-wired. But at least I'm younger than I will be tomorrow or next year.
"I should have gone for a walk this morning." A judgement. "I wanted to go for a walk this morning." A fact. In the first sentence I failed at something. The second sentence is just a statement. I can still go for a walk at some point, and I'm not a failure.
Once I started being aware of it, it was amazing to my how often I used the word "should."
"I should go to the gym."
"I should take the kids to the park."
"I should start dinner."
"I should go to bed."
"I should have been able to complete my whole to-do list today"
Did I want to do these things? Could I even do them? Who knew? I was doing things because I "should," not because I wanted to, as far as I knew. Stopping to look at what I was doing and really thinking about it forced me to look at my life and my decisions to see what I wanted. Do I want to go to the gym? Do I want to take the kids to the park? Do I even like making dinner? Was I ready to go to bed? Was it possible to complete that to-do list?
For the first time in over thirty years (you thought I was going to give my age away, didn't you!!?), I had to stop and think about what I wanted. And you know what? I didn't know!
I'd spent so long worrying about what I should do that I had no idea what I wanted to do. Thankfully, I never felt like I "should" get married and have kids, that was a decision I consciously made, so I knew I wanted that. And I also have to work within the limitations of my disability: I have to accept that there are things I may want that I cannot have.
So here I am, learning what I want and, in the process, what I can and cannot have. I do want to cook dinner, at least most nights. I do want to go to the gym (I think), and if we get to the park, great. If not, the kids have tons of toys here they can play with. Our yard is a cool park in itself.
My friend Stephanie has a super-cool sounding job, the kind of job that I once had. And part of me really wants to go back and have that kind of job again. I'm a little jealous when I hear about her work, because it sounds rewarding. But realistically, I know that's a want I can't fulfill. I have small children still. And there's the grounded part of me that knows that the last time I held that type of job I couldn't manage it because of my illness. Those are the facts. But I know there are things I can handle that will give me a sense of accomplishment within my own boundaries. That is also a fact.
So I work hard on my "shoulds," even the "I shouldn't feel this way" should, which is a very popular one. They are second nature, they come up constantly, and I constantly have to reword my thoughts so I'm not being so hard on myself. And I'm learning about myself in the process, things I want or don't want. It's a really hard lesson, one I wish I could have learned when I was much younger and my brain was less hard-wired. But at least I'm younger than I will be tomorrow or next year.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Just Another Manic Wednesday
Yeah, it's been awhile, but I'm going to give my blog another shot. I always wanted to be a writer, and this gives me a chance to fulfill that dream. I just keep forgetting, or getting sidetracked, or just being plain lazy about it.
My life since October has been a roller coaster, but I won't bore you with all the details. I do wish I was keeping up with the blog, because I'd love to be able to look back and see my thoughts during that time. I can't, though, and there's no use worrying about what could have been.
My depression was pretty bad for a while, I had two hospitalizations and I'm still in an outpatient program. That will be over in a few weeks, however, because I've been pretty stable. I did have a manic episode last week which, while not debilitating, was still pretty exciting. I managed to spend over $1000 in three days and that didn't help our finances (but I will take some credit for feeding our economy this month).
My manic episodes are called hypomanic, which means they are not the high out-of-control manic that one usually associates with bipolar disorder. I have Bipolar II disorder, which is characterized by lesser manic episodes where the person can still function and depression that can be moderate to severe (mine is obviously severe, as you can tell by my previous posts). I have racing thoughts, lack of focus, inability to concentrate, decreased need for sleep, and the risky behavior (like spending money I shouldn't spend, or driving recklessly, which I also did). Of course, while I was in my manic state, I would have told you that I was perfectly fine, doing extremely well, was actually at the "top of my game," because that's another symptom of mania--you think you're great.
But I came out okay, aside from the money I wish didn't spend. I didn't come crashing down into depression, which is really good. My doctor increased some of my medication to prevent the mania from happening again, but otherwise things are okay.
So because of dealing with bipolar disorder, I've discovered NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They are a grass roots organization that helps people with mental illnesses and their families. They are an amazing resource for people who need help with everything from emotional support to finding a home and getting social services one qualifies for. I did the NAMIwalk fundraiser in April, which was pretty cool. And I just got chosen to become a meeting facilitator and will do the Facilitator Training next weekend.
The reason NAMI appeals to me is that I've seen many people during my many hospital stays that could have been (and may have been) helped by NAMI if they were aware of it. I truly believe that God's Kingdom is ultimately going to solve these problems, but if short-term solutions are available to people, they should know about them. Many homeless people are mentally ill people who are unaware of the options they have, or don't know how to go about taking advantage of those options. NAMI also works to educate people on mental illness to remove the stigma, and hopefully get more people to get help when they need it.
Off my soapbox now. If you want to know more, you can check out http://www.nami.org/.
Also during my break we moved out of the apartment and into the coolest house. Well, I think it's cool. It's got lots of room, including a guest room (a big hint for all our out-of-town friends!) and a beautifully landscaped backyard. We even have a community pool so we don't have to go far to swim. We love it here, and we plan on staying for a while. I'll post pictures as soon as I have a working camera (i.e., batteries). We have no furniture in the front room, although the way the boys run around and play we're tempted to leave it like it is and just let it be a giant playroom (Not really, although it gives me an excuse to take my time in my search for just the right pieces).
I now live back by my favorite gym. Yay! I haven't yet gone once. Boo! I know, I can't seem to get myself motivated. I think I need to post a picture of Angelina on my fridge or somewhere where I'll remember that I'm trying to be a well-rounded mother like her. She has all those kids and still looks great. Although she stood so weird at the Oscars. What was that about??? It almost made me take back all my admiration of her. And she made such great strides in the past few years since she split from Billy Bob. I guess I have to look it as she's just as flawed as the rest of us.
I have, however, lost quite a bit of weight. As I read back through my posts, I realized it wasn't that long ago that I was still on lithium. So I can gratefully say I've lost most of my lithium weight (now I can focus on the baby weight). That's no excuse to slack off, though; in fact, it's a good reason to get myself in gear. I have no excuse now to gain the weight unless I'm just being lazy. Okay, I admit when it comes down to it I'm lazy. I'd rather sit at my desk and play on Facebook than work out. Even though I feel better after a workout, I still like Facebook better. Go figure.
So that's how I've been doing. My goal is to be better about blogging. For my own sake. Because I think it's pretty cool. And because I think I have some pretty interesting things to say, if I have to say so myself. And because one day I may have to work for a living, and maybe I can use my blog on my resume.
Well, maybe not.
My life since October has been a roller coaster, but I won't bore you with all the details. I do wish I was keeping up with the blog, because I'd love to be able to look back and see my thoughts during that time. I can't, though, and there's no use worrying about what could have been.
My depression was pretty bad for a while, I had two hospitalizations and I'm still in an outpatient program. That will be over in a few weeks, however, because I've been pretty stable. I did have a manic episode last week which, while not debilitating, was still pretty exciting. I managed to spend over $1000 in three days and that didn't help our finances (but I will take some credit for feeding our economy this month).
My manic episodes are called hypomanic, which means they are not the high out-of-control manic that one usually associates with bipolar disorder. I have Bipolar II disorder, which is characterized by lesser manic episodes where the person can still function and depression that can be moderate to severe (mine is obviously severe, as you can tell by my previous posts). I have racing thoughts, lack of focus, inability to concentrate, decreased need for sleep, and the risky behavior (like spending money I shouldn't spend, or driving recklessly, which I also did). Of course, while I was in my manic state, I would have told you that I was perfectly fine, doing extremely well, was actually at the "top of my game," because that's another symptom of mania--you think you're great.
But I came out okay, aside from the money I wish didn't spend. I didn't come crashing down into depression, which is really good. My doctor increased some of my medication to prevent the mania from happening again, but otherwise things are okay.
So because of dealing with bipolar disorder, I've discovered NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They are a grass roots organization that helps people with mental illnesses and their families. They are an amazing resource for people who need help with everything from emotional support to finding a home and getting social services one qualifies for. I did the NAMIwalk fundraiser in April, which was pretty cool. And I just got chosen to become a meeting facilitator and will do the Facilitator Training next weekend.
The reason NAMI appeals to me is that I've seen many people during my many hospital stays that could have been (and may have been) helped by NAMI if they were aware of it. I truly believe that God's Kingdom is ultimately going to solve these problems, but if short-term solutions are available to people, they should know about them. Many homeless people are mentally ill people who are unaware of the options they have, or don't know how to go about taking advantage of those options. NAMI also works to educate people on mental illness to remove the stigma, and hopefully get more people to get help when they need it.
Off my soapbox now. If you want to know more, you can check out http://www.nami.org/.
Also during my break we moved out of the apartment and into the coolest house. Well, I think it's cool. It's got lots of room, including a guest room (a big hint for all our out-of-town friends!) and a beautifully landscaped backyard. We even have a community pool so we don't have to go far to swim. We love it here, and we plan on staying for a while. I'll post pictures as soon as I have a working camera (i.e., batteries). We have no furniture in the front room, although the way the boys run around and play we're tempted to leave it like it is and just let it be a giant playroom (Not really, although it gives me an excuse to take my time in my search for just the right pieces).
I now live back by my favorite gym. Yay! I haven't yet gone once. Boo! I know, I can't seem to get myself motivated. I think I need to post a picture of Angelina on my fridge or somewhere where I'll remember that I'm trying to be a well-rounded mother like her. She has all those kids and still looks great. Although she stood so weird at the Oscars. What was that about??? It almost made me take back all my admiration of her. And she made such great strides in the past few years since she split from Billy Bob. I guess I have to look it as she's just as flawed as the rest of us.
I have, however, lost quite a bit of weight. As I read back through my posts, I realized it wasn't that long ago that I was still on lithium. So I can gratefully say I've lost most of my lithium weight (now I can focus on the baby weight). That's no excuse to slack off, though; in fact, it's a good reason to get myself in gear. I have no excuse now to gain the weight unless I'm just being lazy. Okay, I admit when it comes down to it I'm lazy. I'd rather sit at my desk and play on Facebook than work out. Even though I feel better after a workout, I still like Facebook better. Go figure.
So that's how I've been doing. My goal is to be better about blogging. For my own sake. Because I think it's pretty cool. And because I think I have some pretty interesting things to say, if I have to say so myself. And because one day I may have to work for a living, and maybe I can use my blog on my resume.
Well, maybe not.
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