1, 2, 3, 4.....

First, let me say thank you to everyone who posted in response to Erik's comment about my hospital visit. I truly appreciate the thoughts, especially because I'm sure some of you are thinking "seriously, now, is she ever going to get it together??" That's okay, I wonder it myself many times a day.

This was a meds issue, though, which was in a way a good thing. It means my brain is responding well to the medications, I just need to be sure to keep the right amounts of medications in my brain. Transitioning to a new med can be difficult, as you just witnessed.

As a side note for Melinda (and anyone else who follows me through my day on Yelp) I didn't have my phone, so I couldn't Yelp my stay. Not that it was the first thing I worried about, but just wanted you to understand why the lack of Yelpage.

Second, Carter finally started walking. He's so cute, he does the wide stance walk and waddles like a little duck. I was a bit worried and really wanted him to start walking because of his age. Now that he's finally walking I'm sad because my last baby is walking. It's another milestone I won't see again and I want to pick him up and cuddle him and baby him. But of all my kids he's my most independent of that kind of thing, more likely to push away and want down to play. When I was released from the hospital he came over to me and when I picked him up he put his head down on my shoulder, so I get some cuddling from him. I guess it's a more on his terms kind of thing.

Anyway, all is well here. So far. Until tomorrow. Because there are no guarantees, especially with two boys in the house.

Standing on the Edge

Most of the time I don't just wake up depressed. I know it's coming. Like a big black hole waiting to devour me.  Waiting, just sitting there patiently as I'm pulled uncontrollably closer and closer. And while I'm pulled I get to see all the things I'm going to miss while I'm in that hole: Time with my family. Time with my friends. Doing things I enjoy. Just enjoying the normal daily things.

That hole doesn't care, it just waits. I fight the only way I know how: By grabbing onto to the people closest to me. Unfortunately for me, it looks to them like I'm attacking them. That's because I'm just flailing myself around, trying desperately to find a way to stop the march. I strike out, reaching for a hand to grab onto, hoping to stop the fall. I yell, I scream, hoping to draw attention somehow to my fear of the hole and get help that way. Maybe if someone else sees the hole, it will disappear, like a monster under the bed.

But it doesn't stop, and no one recognizes my cries for help. I only hurt others as I get dragged down into the hole, scraped raw myself and bleeding from the heart and soul. Now I have to live here, in the darkness. I don't know how long the hole will keep me. Sometimes it's a few days, sometimes it's longer. It's lonely, dark, and scary. No one on the outside knows I'm in the hole because I look like I'm still there, just more difficult to talk to, more withdrawn, less able to function. That's because the real part of me is trapped, and I can't get out until I'm released. No begging, pleading, bribing, or threatening will do it. It's just when the hole decides to open.

And when it opens I can come out, like a person coming from a dark room into bright sunlight, unsure of their surroundings, sensitive to the light, to touch, to sound, to even smells. It's actually painful to come out of the hole at first, because everything in my body feels on high alert. Gradually, though, my brain feels the safety of solid ground, loving family and friends, even a regular routine.

And then the all clear sounds, and I realize my heart and soul have stopped bleeding and don't hurt to the touch. I can take a deep breath without pain. I can hear words without wincing. I can see the sunlight without squinting.

I can't see the hole anywhere. So for now I'm safe.

H.A.L.T.: What are you doing to my brain?

H.A.L.T. is an acronym used to help those with illnesses remember to take care of the basics: You don't want to get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. I think it's more for mental illnesses, I don't know since I don't have any other kind. What happens is, by not allowing yourself to get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, you help keep symptoms from flaring. Mainly, for me anyway, depression.

But I'm thinking about it today because I think there needs to be another letter for staying in your routine. Because when I'm out of my routine for more than a day or two, my depression starts to get bad. That's where I am now, because after going to the gym on Thursday I haven't left the trailer, except to go get allergy medicine. And while the wind has finally died down and I was able to sit outside yesterday, today someone is mowing grass so I'm back inside where I can breathe.

So I'm sitting back in the trailer, breathing but a little depressed because I can't do anything I want to do and I'm out of my routine. For me, and people like me, routine is really important. It keeps me focused on now, so I don't get overly anxious. It helps me recognize my symptoms becoming noticeable while they are still controllable. A routine is a safety net, and not having it can sometimes make things seem very scary. I try to stay as close to my plan as possible, to feel as safe as possible, so my brain doesn't trick me into thinking something bad is about to happen. So I'm trying to think of how I can do something that feels routine to get myself feeling back on track.

I could go to the gym today, but Erik is going to work tonight, so he has to sleep and there isn't anyone to watch the kids. No childcare at the gym on Sunday, for some odd reason. Honestly, do you think Sunday is so different from Wednesday for most people? I don't, I would totally bring my kids on days that I worked out. It would definitely make my life easier.

Oh, but I did decide to join Weight Watchers (I know, random transition there, wasn't it!). I figure if nothing else, I can pay someone to help me gain weight and then I'll have someone else to blame. But maybe it will help, and I will start losing weight. Somewhere I read that it's possible to not eat enough and therefore not lose. I don't know if it would cause you to gain, but I'll cover all the bases, just to be sure. And I like Weight Watchers. I get to eat the foods I choose, so I don't have to make a ton of changes in my diet. I'm really lazy, so the easier the better for me. I'd do Jenny Craig if I could afford it, simply because they hand you the food and tell you what to eat when. But because you have to pay extra for that service, I'll go the next best route and count points. Oh, and I get extra points for working out, which I've been doing, so I get extra food. So that means that when I want my chocolate I get it, no guilt attached.

Hmmm, except for the weight thing. Dang it. Well, I'm almost completely off the one medication that causes weight gain, and the lithium is next. I feel confident I'll lose when I get off that, because my ankles are swollen (lithium is a salt, hence the water retention). And if that doesn't work, then I go back to my doctor and just cry. Maybe that will help.

Oh, wait. Carter fell asleep! Yay, I can go to the gym! I'm beginning to feel more normal already.