Yes, We're Moving

I'm officially giving notice, we are leaving our house and our town and heading south to California. Right now we are on Plan B, which I think is pretty good, all things considered.

Plan A was to go down to California in a month, after we'd given notice on our house, and after we planned and packed in an organized fashion. So Erik got boxes, some friends got me newspapers, I got up Saturday morning and starting packing, and promptly had a panic attack.

Plan A didn't include any mention of my bipolar attributes, including my almost complete inability to cope with changes, and my total need for things to be organized and in control at all times. Have you ever moved? So you know how close to that definition moving is not.

Having bipolar disorder has changed so much for me. So many of the things I used to be good at, and enjoy, I now find frustrating and overwhelming. I was an organized person who was assistant to vice-presidents at various insurance companies. I was in sales for a while. Now there are times I feel myself pushing my brain to work.

I used to really enjoy moving, in fact I moved a lot. Now it is a nightmare. I have my binder and my colored pens and everything else needed to have the move organized, but I can't seem to get my brain to actually move in that direction. It's so frustrating, because I know someone is going to have to actually do the work, and that someone ends up being my husband.

So my wonderful husband, knowing he's going to be doing the work anyway, and wanting to make my life and his easier, offered up Plan B. Plan B is now in effect: I simply pack the stuff we'll need in California, pack up the kids, and he'll drive me down there next weekend after our daughter gets out of school. Win/win. He'll get to pick up his parents' truck and horse trailer to aid in the move, and get rid of the biggest move stressor in his life, namely me.

This is actually really good for me, even though it sounds like it would be more stress, not less. I have to organize my week, which I can do, I'm good at that. I only have a small part of the move to worry about, so I have complete control. I have a limited amount of time, so I have to get everything done and after that, it's not my problem.

The hardest thing is that I'm still really stressed. I have no control over it, and I can do all the stress tricks I know, and I can take my Ativan, and I can get enough sleep, and I still have this amazing brain that tricks me into thinking things that aren't true, or twists the truth, or whatever it does. I panic over things that aren't there, or that aren't that big, or that aren't worth the effort.

So what I will do this week is make a schedule to live by. I will plan each day so I have to focus on the here and now. I will try to leave as little time as possible for me to actually think, because when I think I start to panic. And then we will get to the end of the week with sanity intact and all things ready to go. And it will be a fun week, not a stressful one.

Plus, I hate to imagine what Erik has as Plan C.