So tomorrow is the local Scrapbook Expo in Sacramento. I'm going for the second time; last year was my first time attending. Last year was also the year I'd rather not remember. I was doing okay by the time of the Expo last year, but it was really hard being in crowds of people, and taking the classes was difficult because I had a hard time staying focused.
So this year will be different. I'm different. I'm doing so much better. I'm on different meds. I tolerate crowds much better than I did. I have a much easier time staying focused. So why am I so scared and nervous? I think I'm afraid of a repeat of last year's angst-filled day.
It makes sense, we all have memories of certain events, and emotions tied to those events. And reliving the events makes us relive the emotions. But I want this to be different. I want it to be more like my second wedding.
My first wedding was a stressful day. In the back of my mind all day I knew something was off, something wasn't right. Yeah, the whole thing was wrong. It's easy to see in hindsight but the day of, I just thought it was pre-wedding jitters. Turns out it was my inner warning system going off full-tilt. I didn't know enough then to recognize it, but I learned pretty quick to listen to it when it spoke to me.
So when it came to my second wedding I was terrified. I did have pre-wedding jitters. More like pre-wedding panic. Up until the moment I saw my husband standing at the alter waiting for me. Then a flood of calm came over me, and I knew all was right with my world. And twelve years later, my world is still all right.
Okay, so maybe that's a stretch for the scrapbook thing. I mean, there's no long-term commitment here. But you get the idea. I want to go and relax and have fun and have it be enjoyable. I don't want to be stressed out and unable to focus on the three classes I paid good money to attend. I want to come home and be ready to go get my scrap stuff from Klamath Falls and start working again.
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