Don't Judge Me

Should! That word gets me every time. I "should" myself constantly. Did you know it's a judgement word? I learned that recently. Now that I'm learning to replace that word in my vocabulary, I'm feeling the resentment and guilt it brings when I use it.

"I should have gone for a walk this morning." A judgement. "I wanted to go for a walk this morning." A fact. In the first sentence I failed at something. The second sentence is just a statement. I can still go for a walk at some point, and I'm not a failure.

Once I started being aware of it, it was amazing to my how often I used the word "should."

"I should go to the gym."
"I should take the kids to the park."
"I should start dinner."
"I should go to bed."
"I should have been able to complete my whole to-do list today"

Did I want to do these things? Could I even do them? Who knew? I was doing things because I "should," not because I wanted to, as far as I knew. Stopping to look at what I was doing and really thinking about it forced me to look at my life and my decisions to see what I wanted. Do I want to go to the gym? Do I want to take the kids to the park? Do I even like making dinner? Was I ready to go to bed? Was it possible to complete that to-do list?

For the first time in over thirty years (you thought I was going to give my age away, didn't you!!?), I had to stop and think about what I wanted. And you know what? I didn't know!


I'd spent so long worrying about what I should do that I had no idea what I wanted to do. Thankfully, I never felt like I "should" get married and have kids, that was a decision I consciously made, so I knew I wanted that. And I also have to work within the limitations of my disability: I have to accept that there are things I may want that I cannot have.

So here I am, learning what I want and, in the process, what I can and cannot have. I do want to cook dinner, at least most nights. I do want to go to the gym (I think), and if we get to the park, great. If not, the kids have tons of toys here they can play with. Our yard is a cool park in itself.

My friend Stephanie has a super-cool sounding job, the kind of job that I once had. And part of me really wants to go back and have that kind of job again. I'm a little jealous when I hear about her work, because it sounds rewarding. But realistically, I know that's a want I can't fulfill. I have small children still. And there's the grounded part of me that knows that the last time I held that type of job I couldn't manage it because of my illness. Those are the facts. But I know there are things I can handle that will give me a sense of accomplishment within my own boundaries. That is also a fact.

So I work hard on my "shoulds," even the "I shouldn't feel this way" should, which is a very popular one. They are second nature, they come up constantly, and I constantly have to reword my thoughts so I'm not being so hard on myself. And I'm learning about myself in the process, things I want or don't want. It's a really hard lesson, one I wish I could have learned when I was much younger and my brain was less hard-wired. But at least I'm younger than I will be tomorrow or next year.